Courtney LeBlanc

50 LINES

                   ~ after Tiana Clark
50 poems about a president I hate
50 times I don't write out his full name, afraid
           I might invoke him, like whispering, Bloody
           Mary in the mirror once, twice, thrice, before
           running away screaming
50 times I've written in my journal: today is a new day,
           today I reset and won't binge/won't diet/won't
           track every calorie with the precision of a surgeon
50 times 50 times I meant it
50 times 50 times I fail
50 emails pinging into my inbox each hour
50 meetings a week, three scheduled for 2pm on Tuesday
50 times I've wanted to clone myself but give the other self
           all the tasks I don't want to do
50 selfies taken, trying to look as thin as possible
50 reviews needed on Amazon before the algorithm will start
           suggesting my book
50 hours a week in the office but definitely less than
50 hours of sleep
50 ways to write a headline but they still go with the option
           that blames the victim
50 times a day I curse, someone suggested a "swear jar"
           for the office and I told them, fuck off, I'm almost
50, I'll curse if I want!
50 times a week I want to hide in the bathroom and cry
50 times a week I text my best friend: OMG WTF
50 times I close my eyes, take a deep breath, remind myself
           I can do this
50 + 5 minutes at the gym every day
50 times a week I say I love you, mostly to my dogs
50 miles a week—not anymore, more like 20 but it’s still freeing,
           my legs still strong , even at almost
50 years old
50 stairs in my house—how I curse when I realize I’ve forgotten
           something on the 3rd floor
50 times (or more) I've shared: "it is a serious thing / just to be alive /
           on this fresh morning / in this broken world" by Mary Oliver
           I hate that this world is still so broken
50 times I recited a poem while on a bus, memorizing it before a show
50 emails in my Draft folder, most I'll never send
50 kinds of gluten-free bread, most of them awful
50 Executive Orders signed within the first two weeks of his second term
50 silver hairs (probably more) clustering around my crown
50 changes in the first week of his Presidency and those
           are only the ones we know about
50 poems written in
50 days, most of them will forever live in draft, never
           to be shared. I’ll turn
50 just weeks before the next inauguration—who will be on that stage
           raising their hand, promising to serve our country?

Courtney LeBlanc is the author of the four full-length collections, most recently Her Dark Everything and Her Whole Bright Life (winner of the Jack McCarthy Book Prize). She is the Arlington County Poet Laureate Emerita and the founder and editor-in-chief of Riot in Your Throat, an independent poetry press. She’s also the founder of the Poetry Coven, a monthly generative workshop. She loves nail polish, tattoos, and a soy latte each morning. Find her online at www.courtneyleblanc.com. 

Banner Art:
Caspar David Friedrich, Woman in Front of the Setting Sun, 1818, Museum Folkwang, Wikimedia Commons

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